Putting this post out makes me feel vulnerable, so please be kind. When I realised I had ante natal depression I had a google and # search and I could find no information from other women in the same situation. Did you know, there are only around 1000 posts on instagram on the subject. Now i’m not a huge social media fan although I do use it for work, but this statistic surprised me. You # search ‘fashion’ and there are millions and millions of posts. Everything was organisation led, so i’m posting in the hope that if one of you reads this and is going through the same, you are most definitely not alone. I can’t fit everything I want to share with you into one post, so am going to call this Part 1 and hope i’m brave enough to continue my story once this has gone live.
It’s been a rather confusing and big year for me and my family, i’ve spent most of it being pregnant and to be honest I’m looking forward to saying au revoir to 2019. In January this year I found out I was pregnant and then had a very pro longed, stressful and upsetting miscarriage. Not long afterwards I got pregnant again and since finding out, I have been suffering with ante natal depression. Mentally I was not ready to be pregnant again.
I didn’t even know ante natal depression was a thing. I remember after having my son 5 years ago being terrified of getting post natal depression as I’m an anxiety sufferer anyway and did find the first few months a struggle. I think that was more pure exhaustion and lack of confidence, but how I felt about finding out I was pregnant with my son, is most definitely not how I felt this time around. Cue the guilt and fake smiles at tears of joy from family and friends alike. Aren’t you meant to be happy when you find out you’re having a baby?
A complete 360 from talking about fashion and styling, but I am like us all, a mere human figuring out life and the path of life is never a smooth one, so if I can’t share my human side, how do you connect with me? Although, saying that, I still have to wear clothes and am finding that experimenting with non maternity clothes and an ever expanding waist both fun and frustrating, but that’s a share for another time.
When I found out on 2 January this year that I was pregnant, I was so angry. With myself, with my husband and with the world. 2019 was my year to fly, I’d written my goals for the year, for me, for my work and for my family, I was excited and instead of embracing this new life, all I felt was inconvenience, panic and frustration … and then I miscarried. Hindsight being the wonder that it is, looking back, the signs were all there for the onset of ante natal depression, but being caught up in my anger and resentment, it’s not something I gave any thought to. The world kept turning and our lives went on.
I’m not going to hide anything and judge me all you want, but there was a part of me that was relieved that it was gone. I was also confused, upset, traumatised and angry. The hospital I was under had treated me so badly and made me feel I was going insane. I fought with my husband and threw a glass at him one evening because well, I don’t really know. But I was heartbroken that I couldn’t keep that little person growing inside me safe, my child. The ultimate failure for me as a parent.
After a while we decided again that we would not put ourselves through such an experience again yet did nothing to stop it happening again and happen it did. Which brings us now to week 28 and over these last few months is where I’ve found myself getting progressively deeper into a dark fog of nothingness and slowly coming out the other side with hard work, self love and support from those around me.
Now I blame my friends in the nicest possible way for deciding to have the most beautiful wedding in Lake Garda back in May for our current situation. So what if we’re old enough to know how making a baby works and did nothing to stop it happening. We were caught up in the heady atmosphere of love being in the air and I believe fate played a hand in giving us a second chance.
One thing I don’t do well is change. I am a creature of habit and too many things going on at once really stresses me out, so you can imagine how 3 days before we moved to our dream house it went down when that test was positive. Not only that, but my son didn’t have a school and it was the Summer holidays, plus I also didn’t take well to being in a different house, losing my wardrobe room to a nursery and everything just not going to plan. Can you tell i’m an only child?
And this is when I stopped doing anything. I stopped caring about my family, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, my son drove me insane, I hated my husband, the house, my life, everything. I didn’t cook, didn’t clean, just sat and watched TV or slept. I would shout at my son for no reason and could not stop crying once I started. One day when I was heading home from an emotional weekend away with my friend in the car I literally thought about keeping going, seeing where the road took me and running away from everything. That’s when I realised something was very wrong mentally and I needed help.
I’m going to leave it there for now and pick this up again in another blog, but if these feelings are anything you can relate to, I can tell you, you are not on your own as I thought I was. The doctor has been taking me very seriously and given me some numbers and sites to contact and visit. I’ve been referred to PEWS under my midwife and am waiting for my appointment.
These are my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings, i’m no expert in the area and am feeling my way through the next few months, but if you are too then let’s stick together. I know that I am exceedingly lucky to be having this child, so please, no nasty comments as it’s taken a lot for me to begin to share my story.